


Nothing Can Make Sense of All These Things I've Done

by nameless_wanderer



Series: Slam on the Brake [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Gen, Reconciliation, and perhaps even a sequel hook?, but there is in fact, like can you imagine being jared in this situation?, please let this kids be friends, slam on the brake au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24141553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_wanderer/pseuds/nameless_wanderer
Summary: Years after the Connor Project, the morning after the end of his weird road trip with Evan, Jared runs into Zoe Murphy. They've got some catching up to do, and he's got some apologies to make.~~~The long (not so) awaited follow up to Slam on the Brake.
Relationships: Jared Kleinman & Zoe Murphy
Series: Slam on the Brake [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742101
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Nothing Can Make Sense of All These Things I've Done

Jared was too excited to sleep. Was excited the right word? Nervous perhaps? Hmmm. Jared was feeling…

Well, that was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? Jared was feeling far too much. Evan Hansen, former friend, family friend, frenemy, coconspirator, had kissed him. And he kissed Evan back. Evan had asked him on a date and he had tentatively said yes. Not to mention how close they’d gotten the night before. It was all too much. It was overwhelming.

That was the word, overwhelmed. Too overwhelmed to sleep. (Un)fortunately, Jared was used to this. He’d passed many a test on far too little sleep, and nobody could tell when he’d gotten enough sleep. Sometimes he couldn’t either; getting enough sleep could be so foreign it made him feel off anyway.

He supposed he should have expected this. Merely running into Evan had kept him up just a few nights earlier. Come to think of it, he hadn’t gotten a single, good long night of sleep since running into Evan. Something always woke him or kept him up. Nightmares, sick stomach, unexpected sexual encounter. Well, at least not all of them were bad.

So how would he categorize this one? Most things in the Evan category were automatically bad, but as of that evening he had to throw out everything he thought about the Evan category. He wasn’t sure he would categorize this as good. If it was excitement he was feeling it would definitely be bad, as being that excited with Ari had only led to disaster. Nervousness could be just as bad though, a sign he should quit while ahead. But it wasn’t excitement or nervousness he was feeling, he was feeling overwhelmed and that could mean anything.

Maybe it meant nothing. It had been an overwhelming four days, and he hadn’t exactly had time to process it all, what with Evan right beside him every step of the way. Maybe overwhelmed was a good thing? But maybe if things were fine he wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. Maybe it was a sign to take a step back.

 _God if my brain could just shut up for one minute I might solve the problem._ Overthinking was definitely the problem here, he decided. If he could just stop overthinking he might be able to sleep before the sun woke him up. What time was it anyway? He rolled over and looked at his phone.

“Shit,” he whispered. 6:57. It was morning already. It wouldn’t be long before the sun rose over the sleepy town, and then he would really have trouble sleeping. In short, another sleepless night had passed since running into Evan. He groaned, having spent another night worrying about things he had almost no control over. His brain was still running wild and he needed to do something, anything to silence it. 

He rolled over, thinking about what he could do this early in the morning. He needed activity, a quick task, anything active to distract his brain. Busy enough to keep him engaged, but it couldn’t be monotonous. Maybe a quick errand somewhere in town. That could certainly work, but was anything even open this early?

“Wait,” he muttered to himself, pulling out his phone. He opened up google maps, putting in the location. To his surprise and relief, it opened at 7:00. Early morning donut run. Perfect. He got out of bed, quietly opened his door, snuck down the hall and gently opened and closed the front door, walking to his car under the fading stars. He took a deep breath as he turned the ignition and quietly drove through the quiet neighborhood.

As he drove, the streets began to feel familiar, like an old memory he’d never really forgotten. He supposed it hadn’t been all that long since he’d been there, he’d visited his parents over spring break earlier that year. But he’d stayed away as much as he could ever since he’d gone off to college.

This wasn’t the first time Jared had wondered if he was running from the town or just from himself.

He pulled into the parking lot, grateful at least one place was open at this ungodly hour. He walked in the door, only sparking mild interest from the disaffected girl behind the counter. She was probably only a few years older than Jared. He wondered if she’d gone to school with him; she did look briefly familiar. The shop was surprisingly empty, but he knew it wouldn’t be for long. He had gotten in at just the right time. He walked up to the counter, examining the menu and considering the best option. He really should just get one for himself, _but…_ his parents would each want one too, right? And at that point it really would be a better deal to get a half dozen. And if he was going to get that many anyway, he might as well get the full dozen. Maybe a baker’s dozen.

“Hi, can I get… A dozen donuts?” _I applaud my own inner strength to not get that thirteenth._

“What kind?”

“Uhhh… Make it three glazed, two jelly, two custard, um… a chocolate, two pink frostings and two maples.” The girl grabbed the donuts as Jared said this, putting them in the box and presenting him with his total. Jared reached into his pockets, positive he had the money in cash. As he pulled out the crumpled bills, coins fell to the ground, clattering as he felt a cool breeze on his back. “Shit, sorry,” he said, quickly scrambling to pick up all the coins. He turned around as the door closed and the last quarter hit someone’s shoe. “Sorry ‘bout that,” he said, quickly standing up to see--

“Zoe.” Jared’s mouth opened, confused, shocked, and… scared? It was hard to tell. Zoe’s stare, blank at first, quickly became intense, worried, and just as shocked as Jared’s. “Shit,” he whispered.

“Jared. What are you doing here?” There was no malice in her voice, no anxiety, just… calm. Jared didn’t know what to make of this. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he found it in him to respond.

“I, uh… I, um, I got back here, like, last night? But then, uh, I didn’t get any sleep, so I figured, uh, ‘hey! ...donuts.’ So… yeah.” Jared could feel his mouth going dry. Was this really happening? “Um… you?”

“I was on an early morning walk. Figured I’d stop in for a cup of coffee. Didn’t think I’d see anyone.”

“Right…” Jared had thought the same thing. “Um… I should… um… I mean… I should say… Like, I have a lot to apologize for but it would take, like a long time, so uh…”

“I have time now.” Jared couldn’t say for certain, but it seemed like her gaze became icy as she said this. Jared hesitated for a few seconds before turning back around to the cashier.

“...Could I also get a caramel macchiato with that?” The girl behind the counter added to the total. Jared fished out more money, much more carefully this time, and sat at a small table in the corner. He kept his eyes trained on a small speck on the donut box, an attempt to not look at Zoe. Eventually though, she approached the table and sat down opposite him, setting his macchiato down next to the box.

“Figured I’d bring your coffee over for you. You look exhausted,” Zoe said by way of explanation.

“Right. Thanks.” Jared held the coffee in his hands for a few seconds before taking a sip. Nothing about this situation was sitting right with him.

“So. You have a lot to apologize for?” Zoe said, expectantly. The moment had come. He’d been dreading this for a long time. But he couldn no longer avoid it. He took another big sip before finally looking up at Zoe.

“Right. Um. So.” _Where the fuck do I even begin this?_ “I guess I’ll start by saying I’m sorry for… all of it?” _Shit that’s too broad._ “Um. The… Connor Project. And my role in it.” He took a deep breath. He needed to get to the issue. “I… figure at some point you must have realized that I had known more than I was letting on. And, um, I’m sorry that I never told you about any of it.”

“Yeah. I did realize,” Zoe said bluntly. “Alana too?”

“Uh, no. Or, at least, I never told her. She might’ve figured it out at some point? Maybe? Probably? But, uh, no. She didn’t…” Jared gulped. “Um. I-I’m sorry for uh… so many things, for the stupid buttons I made, for trying to undermine your relationship with Evan, for telling him to lie in the first place–”

“Wait, you did what now?” Jared couldn’t tell if there was any anger in the surprised question. But this was clearly part of the story she didn’t know, and one she deserved to.

“After… after the letter, he came to me for advice, and I… I didn’t exactly tell him to lie, but I certainly wasn’t suggesting he come clean. I thought… I dunno, it would be better? That the truth would hurt your family or something, but, uh. It was still fucked up. And I’m really sorry.” Zoe thought on this for a minute, taking a long pensive sip of her coffee.

“I can’t blame you for the things Evan said. I mean, he should’ve been smarter than to take advice from you.” Jared chuckled half-heartedly at this. “You shouldn’t have to take responsibility for what he did.”

“And I’m not trying to claim any, just… acknowledging that I didn’t really help.”

“Well this would’ve been after Evan found out about Connor, right? It was too late. He’d already lied to my parents. Nothing you suggested would’ve undone this.”

“Wait, wait, hold on a second.”

“What?”

“Evan didn’t lie to your parents in the principal’s office.” Zoe scoffed at this.

“Well then why were they convinced he was Connor’s friend?” Zoe asked, biting.

“Because of that stupid fucking cast that he--” Jared stopped himself, took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “Connor’s name on the cast. Evan tried to explain right then and there what the ‘note’ really was. He tried to leave. They thought he was in shock. Then your mother said…” Jared sighed, trying to remember. It had been a long time ago, and he hadn’t really been there. Just heard a lot from Evan. “Apparently, your mother said that the letter was ‘all she had left’ of Connor. And then they saw the cast, and, well… you know the rest.”

“Huh. I… I never knew that. I always just assumed…”

“Well, you know what happens when you do that.”

“Is this funny to you, or something?”

“Of course not.”

“Like all of this is some big fucking joke?”

“Zoe, of course not, I didn’t…” Jared was certain she was frustrated now. And he couldn’t blame her. But he didn’t have a response or an explanation for everything. And he never would. “Zoe, I’ve gone through this a thousand times in my head. What seeing you again would be like. What I’d need to apologize for, what I’d say. I’ve tried a thousand times with a thousand different combinations of words to make a thousand different apologies. And… deep down I know I’ll never get it right. All I can do is say I’m sorry, for everything. 

“And I’m not apologizing because I need or want you to forgive me, or to lift some weight off my chest, or to cleanse my soul or whatever. I’m apologizing because I did some fucked up things when I was seventeen. And I can’t undo them, I can’t make up for them. I can never fix what happened, and I’m apologizing because I want you to know that I know that. I’m not begging for your forgiveness, because I know I don’t deserve that. And I know you probably want to just move on from this horrible thing. I was young, and stupid, and immature, and I’m still all of those things, but I can’t hope to be a better person if I don’t do something. I can’t make it right, but… maybe I can make it better. At least a little bit. Or make myself better, by refusing to continue fucking everything up.” Zoe and Jared sat in silence for a few more seconds. “You deserve so much more than that. But that’s the best I can do for right now.”

Jared knew he was rambling at this point. He knew he was exhausted, and he wasn't known for being very eloquent at this level of tiredness. He would surely remember what he had just said later and cringe at every aspect of it. But he was also sick of carrying all of this around inside. He doubted Zoe would ever want to see him after today, making this his only chance to tell her anything. He only hoped that rambling, redundant speech would make some sense to her. He waited with bated breath for any sort of response from her.

“Did you hear about Alana?” She finally said. Jared looked at her, confused.

“What?”

“You know, about how she wound up in the hospital?”

“Uh, yeah, I mean, I know, I just…” Jared’s tired mind was having trouble keeping up with the sudden change in subject. “I just… I feel bad she ended up there.”

“You mean to say you figured it out too?”

“...Yeah. Didn’t know you would.”

“We were basically her best friends. Even now, I know when she’s doing well. And when she’s not.” Jared nodded. He had said basically the same thing to Evan when they’d talked about it just the other evening. “When was the last time you saw her?”

“Umm… Hard to say. Maybe graduation? After I tried to back out of the Connor Project she wasn’t too fond of me. You?”

“At the end of your senior year she came over and apologized formally for sharing the letter online. She said she’d been too ashamed to tell us before when things were actually bad. She said she only wanted the best for us and promised to stay out of our lives for good. I’m not sure that’s what any of us actually wanted but she kept her word.” Zoe took another sip of her coffee, and Jared mirrored. “What about Evan?”

Jared gulped. “What about him?”

“When was the last time you saw him?”

“Um… that’s kind of a long story. Kinda at graduation… we didn’t say much though.” He coughed. “You?”

“It was earlier this year, in spring. It was nice. Very closure-y. I wasn’t expecting him to reach out, and to be honest I don’t think he expected to do that.” Zoe laughed a little at this. “But it was nice.”

Jared paused, unsure if he should ask what was on his mind. “Are you okay?”

Zoe hesitated. “Like am I okay with Evan? Or am I okay with what happened, or just a general okay?” Jared shrugged. Zoe looked at him, puzzled, before answering. “Some days. Some days are better than others. Some are just fine and then others are… not.” She sipped her coffee again. “Evan caught me on a good day.” Jared nodded to this. “Okay, wait, what do you mean by ‘kinda’ at graduation?”

“Well… uh,” Jared wasn’t sure how to explain it all. “Like I said, we didn’t really say much at graduation. Mostly just kinda like a mutual understanding of ‘this hurt for both of us’ and we got, like, one good picture for our parents. But I also… kinda… saw him last night.” He quickly took a sip of his coffee.

“Wait, what?”

“Okay so I hadn’t seen or spoken to him basically since he shared the note. And then a few days ago, I’d just gotten done with finals and I was walking around a shopping center in Denver, and who should I run into but Evan.”

“Whoa, whoa, back up, what was he doing in Denver?”

“His dad wanted him out there for Christmas. But he legit abandoned Evan in the shopping district so I offered him a ride home, since I was coming back here anyway.”

“So… you kidnapped him from a mall?” Zoe looked like she was about to burst into laughter.

“Okay, no, it wasn’t like that, obviously. I drove him to his dad’s house, obviously, and then the next day we started the drive back.”

“How was it?” Zoe looked intrigued. “If you don’t mind telling me.”

“Um. I guess not? It was… weird, and frustrating, and sometimes fun, and strangely cathartic, but sometimes it sucked and it hurt but…” Jared shook his head. “We left off in a much better place than we had senior year, let’s put it that way.” Jared could see Zoe still had questions. Questions he couldn’t or wasn’t prepared to answer. He had to distract her. “Did I already tell you you were in my dream the other night?”

“No. What kind of dream?” It seemed to have worked.

“Oh, you’re gonna love this, it’s so dumb. Zombies. I was running from Zombies. And apparently you had the Zombie cure.”

“Wow. What happened?”

“I dunno. I was running for a while. But I got to safety, because, uh… well, Connor led me to a safehouse. And said he was looking for you. We didn’t actually find you because I woke up shortly after but, uh, yeah.”

“So even in death my brother makes a bigger impact.” Zoe chuckled. Although she didn’t seem to mean anything by this, Jared felt uncomfortable. Should he be laughing too? Should he not have told her this? Should he run off right now? “Sorry, it’s just. It’s a little fucking hilarious. Always making bigger waves, whether he wanted to or not.” She sighed. “Not like I ever wanted to be the center of attention. But then again, I’m not sure he did either. I think he just wanted to not feel the way he felt all the time. He needed help, something nobody in my family was capable of providing.” Jared sat in silence for a moment.”

“Um, not to be rude or anything, but like… when did you start talking about him like a lifetime movie?”

Zoe laughed hard at this. “God, I was rambling again, sorry. It’s just… I’ve only had, what, two years to think about all of this. And therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.”

“Evan talked about this ‘therapy’ thing, too. Is it like a hot new trend?”

“Oh yeah. For broken people everywhere.”

“Maybe I should give it a shot,” he joked.

“Oh yeah, you definitely need it.” Jared broke into a smile at this. It felt casual, almost nice. For a split second, he wondered why he’d been so hesitant to befriend her in high school.

And then that second was over. And he remembered. And his smile faded. They could never be friends, there was no way she’d want that. She smiled sadly at him, as if reading his thoughts but refusing to comment on them.

“Thank you for apologizing, Jared. It means a lot that you’ve taken the time to even do that. But in the end, it’s not your fault.” She sighed. “So, a little over a year ago, around halloween, I broke my arm. And you know, it was pretty bad, so you know, the cast, the signing, it was all very… Well, Evan Hansen meets Connor Murphy. But my mom takes me to the check up in early December, like we’re not even on winter break yet, and the doctor takes off the cast. And for some reason I’m surprised it was so quick to come off, even though it’s felt like a lifetime. And he says that arm casts usually only stay on for four to six weeks. And I start chuckling, though I don’t know why, and the laughter just gets louder and more manic and I look at my mom and tears are welling at her eyes, and I’m full on crying and it looks like I’m having a meltdown at getting a cast removed.”

“Jesus,” Jared said under his breath. He wasn’t quite sure where she was going with this.

“But the thing is, I realized in that moment that Evan told us he broke his arm at the beginning of summer. Late May, early June.” It dawned on Jared as Zoe explained it. “So how could he have still had the cast on over ten weeks later at the start of school? And the weirdest part? I realized we knew this. Because Connor broke his arm in like seventh grade.” Jared was unsure how to react. “The point is, Jared, we wanted to believe. I don’t know if that lie was for the better, but it was what we wanted. And quite frankly, we can’t change the past… so why worry about it?”

Jared nodded. “Yeah... I guess”

Zoe took one more enigmatic look at Jared, then stood to leave. “I should probably get going.”

“Yeah… Yeah, me too.” As Zoe walked away, Jared realized one thing he needed to ask. “Hey, Zoe?”

“Hm?”

“Did Evan… Did Evan ever tell you the truth about his broken arm?”

She stopped. “Yeah. He did.” She shrugged. “And it’s sad but just… kinda mundane.” Jared looked confused at this. _Mundane?_ “It sucks that he was alone when he fell. All I can hope for is that he has help now when he needs it.” _Oh. So he didn’t._

“I hope so too,” Jared murmured.

“Jared? It was good seeing you.” Zoe gave him a genuine smile, one that he would call hopeful if he was more naive. 

But he couldn’t afford to be naive; he had to return to the real world. He stood up, grabbing his real coffee and his real donuts, thinking about the very real fact that he may never see Zoe again. He drove home with a real pain in his stomach that was real hard to ignore. But if he allowed his naive mind to take over for a second, a weight that had been there for more than two years had been lifted off of his shoulders. He chose to focus on that as he got home. 

He set the donuts on the table and scrawled a hasty note of explanation to his parents, deciding to try to sleep some more. He hoped the caffeine hadn’t hit too hard yet as he flopped into bed, closing his eyes. He managed to drift off to sleep some hours later, just as his parents woke up. He had a few hours of sleep before his phone went off, waking him up. He rubbed his eyes as he looked at the real messages he never expected to see.

> **Zoe Murphy** **Now**
> 
> So I’ve been thinking ever since we ran into each other
> 
> **Zoe Murphy** **Now**
> 
> And I know this is gonna sound crazy but
> 
> **Zoe Murphy** **Now**
> 
> I think we should visit Alana in the hospital

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit I've been working on this literally since I ended Slam on the Brake, I just get really distracted with stuff and I guess I can only write fanfic late at night when I'm procrastinating important shit. Also fun fact, this literally didn't have a title until like two seconds before posting. I'm still not so sure about the title but I do think it fits.
> 
> Anyway, as always I hope you enjoyed reading! I still love these characters, and I still love this premise, and I still have more ideas (right now, ideas for this series include Jared, Evan, and Zoe visiting Alana at the hospital, a fic about Evan and Jared trying to hang out and navigate the friend/more-than-that relationship, a fic that focuses on Ari and Damien from the original fic, and an official first date fic for Jared and Evan). Hopefully it won't take quite so long to get some of these other fics out, but I don't want to make any promises. If those fics would be something you'd be interested in seeing tho, let me know or message me on tumblr (kennothythebard) because id love to share my plans! Thank you for comments and kudos, and thank you for the support throughout the literal years of writing deh fanfiction, I still love writing these characters and i hope i get to share more of it soon! <3


End file.
